Let’s Clear a Few Things Up: What We Actually Believe
“Following Christ is the goal. And anyone trying to do that is already on the right track.”
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I find it genuinely interesting—and sometimes a little surprising—to hear the different things people say about our religion. Especially when those thoughts come from people who say they’re members too.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I know we’re all doing our best. I’m certainly not perfect and make plenty of questionable choices myself, so trust me, I’m not here to throw stones. I believe in loving people regardless of where they’re at or what choices they’re making, because heaven knows I need that same grace too.
But I do think it’s worth gently correcting misunderstandings when they show up in places like The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. When people present their personal experiences as universal Church teachings, it can get confusing—even for members! Some of the things shared in the show were so off that if they were actually true… I don’t think I’d want to be part of the Church either!
This isn’t about discrediting anyone’s story. Everyone’s faith journey looks different. And whether someone is still active or not, I sincerely wish them peace and joy. I’m not here to criticize them—but I do want to lovingly clear up a few things for those who might be wondering what we actually believe.
So, let’s talk about a few of those misconceptions:
Being a Member ≠ Living a Checklist Lifestyle
One quote from an article stood out: “…the comments seem to suggest that these women aren’t Mormons because they don’t adhere to a specific lifestyle.” - The MarySue.
I get where that reaction comes from. But here’s some context: Many of the women in the show have publicly said they no longer attend church or don’t believe in its teachings anymore. So when they speak about the Church as if their views reflect official doctrine, it naturally raises concern from those who are still living by those teachings.
Membership in our church is defined by baptism—not lifestyle. Everyone walks their own path, and no one has to “qualify” to be loved or included. But sharing misinformation in the name of the Church does confuse others, and that’s worth clarifying.
We believe in certain roles that a man and woman should fulfill, but it’s not “law” that the man has to make the money and the wife has to care for the children.
One topic that comes up a lot is gender roles. Some of the women in the show seem to push back against the idea that the man must earn the money and the woman must stay home. Honestly? I support that pushback—because that’s not what our Church actually teaches.
Yes, we believe that men and women have divinely appointed roles, but we also believe that they’re meant to help each other as equal partners.
Here’s what the Church actually says: “Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” The Family: A Proclamation to the World.
Equal partners. Not "the man must earn and the woman must clean." If a woman is the breadwinner, that’s not wrong—it’s life! The goal is to provide for and nurture your family together, in whatever way works best for you.
The truths about “the patriarchy” within the church
While men hold the priesthood, women have all the same access to the priesthood as men do. Women still lead in the church, and they use the priesthood to do it, but in different ways.
“Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman. … Both the procreative power and the priesthood power are shared by husband and wife.” - M. Russell Ballard
Men need women to be able to fully exercise the power of the priesthood!
Divorce within the church
Some of the women implied that getting divorced makes you less of a “good Mormon.” That’s simply not true. The Church teaches us to try our best to keep our covenants—but when divorce happens, it calls for compassion, not shame.
“When men and women marry, they make solemn covenants with each other and with God. Every effort should be made to keep these covenants and preserve marriage. When divorce occurs, individuals have the obligation to forgive, lift, and help rather than to condemn.” Gospel Topics.
We don’t believe that being divorced makes you less righteous. We believe in healing, grace, and moving forward with hope.
Wearing temple garments is a personal and sacred commitment. While no one’s keeping score, choosing to wear them consistently often reflects a deeper understanding and appreciation of the blessings they represent.
At the beginning of season 2, a comment says “the younger members of the Utah LDS church are seeing garments as optional..? Is this trending?” When we go to the temple to receive our endowment, we are given the opportunity to wear temple garments. These typically replace our panties and whatnot. We are encouraged (not demanded) to wear them as much as possible - but this is all up for personal preference - meaning we should seek with God by praying about how often we should wear our garments.
Regardless of how much we wear our garments, we should still be wearing modest clothing always. This doesn’t mean we can’t wear swimsuits, or that we have to wear garments when we workout or things like that. This is all because we respect our bodies. “This counsel is founded on the truth that the human body is God’s sacred creation. We must respect our bodies as a gift from God. Through our dress and appearance, we can show the Lord that we know how precious our bodies are.” - Modesty Gospel Topic. It’s important to note that this guidance from our church also says “If we are unsure about whether our dress or grooming is modest, we should ask ourselves, “Would I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the Lord’s presence?”… Our honest answers to these questions may lead us to make important changes in our lives.” This means that it is up to us to decide what we wear.
For me personally, I try to wear my garments as much as possible because I feel the most comfortable in them. They make me feel happy and confident, and I love what they represent. The only times I don’t wear them is when I’m going swimming, maybe doing some type of sport, going to the gym/working out. I’ll admit I even spend a couple of hours everyday just laying out in my swimsuit to tan - and I think that’s just fine.
It is NOT expected for women to be submissive to their husbands within our church.
Some have claimed that our Church teaches women must be submissive to their husbands. As a woman who values her faith deeply—let me be very clear:
Nope. No thank you. Not true.
We believe in partnership, not hierarchy. Any past cultural traditions that hinted otherwise weren’t doctrinal. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, men and women are equally beloved, needed, and empowered.
End remarks… for now…
I could go on, but I’ll pause here. These were just a few things I wanted to share—not to argue, but to offer some clarity and kindness.
As members of the Church, we’re not perfect. We’re learning, growing, and figuring it out like everyone else. If we’re doing it right, we should be the last people to judge and the first to show love.
Our beliefs may differ from others, but our hearts should always be turned toward Christ. And if you’re trying to follow Him in your own way? That’s something I respect deeply.
If you ever have questions about what we believe, I’d love to be a safe space to talk about it.
If you have any other questions, I would refer to this resource from the church. I think they do a good job answering frequently asked questions. If you ever have questions, I’d love to be a safe space to ask them.
Tell me in the comments below!
Have you watched The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? What were your thoughts? What questions do you have about what they said/did?